NEW GIRL SEASON 2
EPISODE: PARKING SPOT
Warning: contains spoilers from the latest episode of New Girl. So if you haven't watched it yet, don't read on!
Warning Number 2: does not contain much explanation of the episode's specifics, but rather commentary on it. So .. actually ... if you haven't watched it, it won't make sense to you anyway.
BANG-O-METER
Jess went outside of the box with -- drum roll, please -- SIDE SWEPT BANGS. In terms of character development, this is epic. I am loving the side sweep, even if she does fidget with them the entire episode. Maybe her forehead is vampiric and can't be exposed to direct sunlight.
NEMO: NICK'S EMOTIONAL MODUS OPERANDI
Plaid Button-Down
Translation: Shades of optimism (not a hoodie) but strong undertones of emotional fragility (still flannel)
This week the show highlighted the plight of the modern city-dweller: where to keep your damn car. Unlike rural and suburban areas, parking in a city is more of a privilege than a right. A privilege that some of us shell out hundred of dollars every year to buy. But, in places where legalized extortion (a.k.a. parking permits) aren't possible, one has to rely on other measures. The more optimistic of us assume that parking is a pay-it-forward business: be thoughtful and commit random acts of kindness throughout the day and karma will reward you with a curb location right by your front door when you get home at night. The rest of us? We know better. Parking isn't a benevolent spiritual being. Parking is a cold-hearted son-of-a-bitch. That d-bag who cut you off on the exit ramp. He's squealing into that spot five seconds before you even spot it.
So when a beautiful, shining, completely unclaimed parking spot -- IN A GARAGE -- is dangled in front of our New Girl roommates, no wonder they lose their minds. I mean, what could be better? (Really, Winston? Skipping out on a reserved garage spot to just because some chick calls you and gives you a thirteen-minute window for some sweet lovin'? Rookie mistake. Winnie, you gotta pave that paradise to claim that parking lot.)
Thus, the tradition of Winston splitting off on his own side storyline continues. (At least he's getting a story line and not just playing the straight man to the other whack-a-roommates.)
As you can imagine, hijinx between the three remaining roomies -- Schmidt, Nick, and Jess -- ensues as each one tries to manipulate / seduce / awkward moonwalk the others into giving up the space.
I'm no authority on negotiation tactics. In grad school I enrolled in one business negotiation class. I thought it would be fun. Turns out the class was in the MBA program. And those mofos are straight-up scary. They are addicted to the thrill of the barter. Day one of class, I was like chum in the water. I wound up sweating and fidgeting my way through the next ten weeks, while they all tweaked out over the their negotiation high. What they learned in the class? Seventy different ways to emotionally manipulate a fellow classmate. What I learned? That I apparently cannot make direct eye contact and value the feeling of resolution WAY more than actually resolving anything.
That being said ... Schmidt CLEARLY missed some opportunities during the Parking Spot Standoff.
Missed Opportunity #1:
Jess plays the Lady Card. Winston trumps her with the Race Card. Nick tosses out the Lonely Bartender Card, clearly a throw-away move.
Schmidt reaches into his hand ... and throws out ... Deserve the Spot Card?
DESERVE THE SPOT Card?
I'm sorry, Schmidt. Are you keeping that Jew Card of yours up your sleeve for some reason? Play it, damn it. It's the Left Bower of Persecution Cards.
Missed Opportunity #2:
Schmidt, Jess, and Nick are crowded into the actual parking spot. Squatter's rights. Last one to leave gets the spot. Knowing his roommates as he should, Schimdt has to realize that his true opponent is really just Jess. Nick is commitment phobia + magpie attention span, wrapped up in a plaid shirt. No way is he seeing this through. Jess, however, is sticking to her guns. She's a formidable opponent. She only has two known weaknesses:
1. the color khaki, and
2. male genitalia.
Didn't we learn that way back in Season one? She can't even say the word. She resorts to Nickelodeon nicknames like "pee pee and bubbles."
So when Schmidt starts hopping around, saying that he has to pee, I'm like, GENIUS! Whip it out. You get bladder relief AND a parking spot. Missions Accomplished.
That is what Schmidt should do.
That is not what Schmidt does.
Instead, he winds up sitting on the pavement in his own pool of urine. Parking-spot-less.
Come to think of it, this entire episode was an exercise in misdirection and unmet expectations. Just look at the end of the episode. Schmidt reveals that Nick violated the No-Nail Oath and thus he is entitled to a smooch from Jess. Then, after being sexually thwarted by an errant pants selection and the cheap-o sales clerk at the pharmacy, Winston comes back to the loft and bemoans "Winnie needs a win!"
Soooo .... Nick violated the No-Nail Oath.
Which entitles the other roommates to some Jess-on-Roomie action...
And Winston is looking for an option besides self completion...
Putting all those factors together .... carry the one ... that means ...
Winston gets the parking spot?
What? I thought for sure it meant he would get his own smooch from Jess. Or, if not Jess, then at least from Schmidt.
However, we DID do surprisingly well last Copier Corral with our Hopes and Dreams for this week. Check it out!
Last Week's Hopes and Dreams!
(Were we right?? )
- HOPE ACCOMPLISHED - Daisy DOES make another appearance!
- DREAM somewhat CAME TRUE - CeCe DOES try to date a hot Indian guys. She just didn't meet him at the Marriage Convention, like we predicted.
- DREAM DASHED - Schmidt didn't make any sexual overtones involving naan.
- WHAT DREAMS HAVE COME - Nick DID start to shower. Heck, he started the episode with a teeth-brushing vignette. Didn't we also say he would start rocking more button-downs and fewer t-shirts and hoodies? Why yes. Yes we did.
- HOPE sort of ACHIEVED - While we don't have a new relationship name for Winston and Daisy (I'm still holding out hope for Waisty) but we did get a new solo nickname. Winnie.
Lessons Learned
(This is where we break it down for ya.)
- I own the exact same hoodie as Nick.
- Nick has amazing fluid control skills. Spitting that beer back in the stein? He could audition for the water fountains in front of the Bellagio.
- How does that cardiganed dude standing in line behind Winston at the pharmacy NOT have a condom in his wallet? Throw Winston a loosie, frat boy.
- To get what you want, sometimes you have to shake what the good people of your home state gave you. (Since I'm from Ohio, this means shaking some underarm flab and an inferiority complex.)
Wait ... What?
(This is where we punch holes in the New Girl boat about things that don't jive with us. Or we just rant.)
- I'm still not sure how Nick became the Decider of the parking spot. They would have had better luck asking that creepy super Remy from downstairs to make the call.
- When Jess and Nick ran out to their cars to move them, didn't it seem like there were tons of parking spaces they could use?
- When Winston makes it back to Daisy's side of town, he can't find her building. Um, none of those buildings look the same. If he can't find her apartment out of those buildings, I'm not sure he should have graduated high school. Or be able to make coffee.
Next Week's Hopes and Dreams!
(This is where we provide our predictions for future episodes. Inventive title, eh?)
- Jess WILL keep her side swept bangs, but she'll switch to a right-part orientation
- Winston WILL find out about Jess and Nick. And he will think it's no big deal. And his nonchalance will drive Schmidt insane.
- We WILL discover the secret location of Schmidt's nipples. And, when twisted clockwise thrice, they will divine the name of the cardinal appointment to be the next pop. (Twist counterclockwise and you'll get the winning numbers to PowerBall.)
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