Swing State Dear John Letter

Heyyyyyyyy!!

You from around here? Didn't think so, you seem like you're from out of town. Me? Oh, I've moved around a little, you know, Texas and -- WAIT! Where are you going?? I USED TO LIVE IN TEXAS! RIGHT NOW I LIVE IN OHIO!

Yeahhhh, thought that would get your attention. I'm looking a little more appealing now, aren't I? Does that do it for you, a permanent mailing address in Ohio? Does the 614 area code turn you on? Did I mention that I'm also .... undecided?

Yeah, that's right. You recognize me now. In fact, I'm the one you've been driving around just looking for.

Anyway, now that me and my eighteen electoral votes (that's right, I'm eighteen) have your undivided attention, let me give you a few tips.

I've noticed the hints you've been dropping around me during the past, oh, eleven months. I can't tell you how many times I've opened up my mailbox to have your letters pour out, shiny paper after shiny paper boasting sweet nothings. Seriously, I literally lost count of how many.

I've watched you on tv. I've seen my voicemail blinking on my phone, knowing that you left a message, just calling to say hello. I've sat in your traffic jams while listening to you chat me up over the radio. And, during this courtship, I've noticed something and would like to give you a little tip:

Try playing a little hard to get.

I'm serious! I know it's messed up, but you know how the game goes. The guy who's attentive and eager? He's a little too available. But the guy who's aloof, kind of ignores you? Man, that's hot.

So I'm just saying, tone it down a little. That's all. Try (robo)calling me a little less. Don't just drop by my convention center and local deli and college campus all the time. Be cazh. Hey, maybe we'll run into each other at a random airport terminal or a police barricade. Then we can laugh about a coincidence it was. Much more romantic than, you know, being bombarded with emails and notifications and signs insisting that I meet you somewhere. Tom Hanks never meets Meg Ryan by papering her Upper West Side apartment building with fliers about their first date.

And keep mind: it isn't the big gestures that speak the loudest. The only ones who want to be wooed by a big proclamation on a billboard are way too high maintenance. Us normal, well-balanced, fish out in the sea? We are all about the little things. The things that show that you really listen to us. Maybe plan your debates around my television schedule so you don't preempt any of my favorite shows? (You know how much I love New Girl. If you debate on New Girl night, I'm going to think you're just doing it out of spite.) Or make that, when you're visiting, you plan your route away from my work so that driving home for me takes twenty minutes and not two hours.

In fact, the best way for me to be interested is to pretty much act like you don't even want my vote. You're totally cool without it. Got other ballot prospects in your Blackberry. So, you know, go ahead and cancel the commercials, scoop up the signs, and don't call me. That's the best way to get me to call you.

**********************

(Think they believed me? Are they gone yet?)

(Okay, seriously? This is insane. If I get pelted one more time by a commercial break brimming with political attack ads, I'm gonna lose it. Swing state status started out kind of cool. You know, two powerful dudes fighting over your attention. But I'm starting to get the feeling that these guys slugging it out has little to do with winning my ballot box love and more about just loving to beat the crap out of each other. Can't wait until this election is over and we can go back to being ignored for the next three years. Nothing sexier than that.)

Don't Forget To Vote!