Six Pack Mix and Match

Sorry for the long delay! I could give you a rundown of reasons, but really it's just the same banal crap that regularly piles up for everyone. Just think back to the last time life was so busy that you found yourself picking through your overflowing laundry hamper because you literally ran out of clean clothes to wear to work. Yeah, remember that negotiation session with yourself? Where you justified that you had only worn that shirt for four hours so it wasn't like it was really dirty? Welcome to Desperation Diving. Very similar to dumpster diving, but somehow even sadder.

Oh, and if you've never had that experience? Screw you and your laundry service. Or your magic closet with a never-ending supply of sartorial choices. I hope you open up those wardrobe doors to find one lonely pair of stone-washed taper-legged jeans hanging there. Then let's see if you don't do a dive into that laundry bin.

So, during my time away I gathered some GREAT stories to share! These were courtesy of my mother and her biannual get-together with her sisters. All together, they make up a half dozen, which led them to dub these outings as Six Pack Tours. I actually think they know what the phrase "six pack" means to most people: a common packaging unit of beer products or overly defined abdominal muscles. But, they kept the name despite the fact that their tours rarely have to do with stomach crunches or adult beverages. (Although, who knows? Maybe under those sensible cardigans Aunt Alice is ripped.)

Most of the Six Pack Tours really break down to a rotation of two activities: eating and chatting. The location may change, and they may spice it up by sprinkling in a little bit of Catholicism (attending Mass, visiting nunneries) but eating and chatting are always on the agenda. Which works out great for me, because these six gal-pals are HILARIOUS and my mother always comes back with some amazing tales.

There's only one downside, which can be summed up by this exchange between my mom and me:

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Me: How was the Six Pack Tour?

Mom: Oh, it was great. We ate a TON of food. And found some great stuff at the flea market. I'll bring you an extra pair of plant clippers the next time I come down.

Me: Thanks!

Mom: Oh, and you'll never guess what one of your aunts said. [Insert HILARIOUS story here.]

Me: Oh my God, that is a HILARIOUS story you just shared!

Mom: I know!

Me: Hey, mind if I put that on my blog?

Mom: Oh no.

Me: Oh come on! You can't just let that type of story go to waste by not telling anyone else! Plus, it would be so easy to add drawings for it.

Mom: No.

Me: Please?? No one even reads my blog anyway, it's totally not a big deal!

Mom: No.

Me: .... so what you're saying is that it's a 'No' on the whole blog post thing?

Mom: Yes.

Me: .... so .... how's Grandma doing with her doctor appointments? Anything funny there?

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This happens every time. EVERY. TIME. To someone like me, who is constantly on the hunt for humor, it's torture. Why doesn't she just put a piece of bubble wrap in front of me and tell me not to pop it?

So that is that. I am not permitted to write up any of the stories from the Six Pack Tours. (At least, I haven't worn down my mother enough quite yet.)

However, my mother said NOTHING about posting a random mix-and-match question that that might maybe may come from Six Pack Tour lore of legends past. I give you...

Six Pack Trivia Time

Match the subject with corresponding predicate to unlock a Morsel of Six Pack Trivia.

(Note: ONE of these answers is not about Six Pack, but is instead a confession from my own life. Plausible deniability and sharing of embarassment achieved.)

Match this ...	.....	...with that!
Jakey the Pig...		...was squished through door keyholes as a game when the eldest of the Six Pack were kids. (Defense: they didn't have many toys growing up, so this was a viable option.)
The phrase "Rot your Crotch"...		...was not tolerated due to the fact that there were ten kids and Grandma did not have the time nor the patience to deal with frivolous crap. Get along.
A scoop of chicken guts ...		...was regularly consumed at breakfast.
Pie ...		...was the family pet.
Tongue ...		... was regularly used when dealt a horrible hand of euchre.
A look that would smite the wicked ...		...was regularly consumed at dinner.
Fighting ...		...was regularly consumed at lunch.
A sandwich of Wonderbread, cheddar cheese, and mayonnaise...		...was employed when anyone trumped Grandma's trick during a hand of euchre.