Olympics Live Blogging

UPDATE-O-METER: 11:55 PM

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That's right, people. It's happening. It's HAPPENING. Today, I will be live blogging my viewing of the Summer Olympics. Complete access to my personal analysis of all things Olympic, or whatever distracts me while watching all things Olympic. If you came for nuanced analysis of athletic performances ... you should probably check another site. If you came for uninformed commentary with a pinch of snark focusing mostly on outfits -- er, uniforms, well then ...strap in. You will find that here. Unfiltered. Unfettered. Unspellchecked.

New posts to follow below. See that Update-O-Meter at the top of the page? That will show the timestamp of the last entry, so you can just refresh the page and easily see whether you should look for a new update. Or you could just keep obsessively scrolling down. Especially if you have OCD.

Let's DO this! USA! USA! USA!

(Oh, and feel free to comment below and add your own thoughts! This endeavor may get a little lonely, so I'll take any human interaction I can get, even in the form of anonymous comment postings on an internet site. Welcome to the modern age.)

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First sport viewing down: women's beach volleyball. Italy versus ... I can't remember. This is not a good sign. Anyway, the important thing is that Italy won. And that the ladies were FINALLY wearing bikinis, instead of those long underwear teams were rocking earlier this week. The Olympics have been saved!

Next up: Women's 50M Rifle. Hey, isn't this what the Olympics is all about? Learning about random sports I will immediately forget as soon as that torch is extinguished?

After a few minutes of watching the US Rifle Team, I'm starting to realize something: in riflery, apparently you put the gun on a STAND?

WHAT?? How is that in any way fair? You don't even need to hold the gun? Does the winner have to at least share the gold medal with that stand which was, let's be honest, doing most of the work?

Oh, wait. Okay, they are holding the guns now. Apparently they pick it up when they shoot. They just use that stand to rest between shots. Riflery assumption crisis averted.

And, with a bulls eye shot in the final round, USA wins! GOLD!

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The Latvian basketball team's uniforms remind me of the ones that my Catholic middle school team rocked. The level of play also seems eerily similar. That is all.

Correction: that's Lithuanian, not Latvian. Hope I didn't unintentionally start a civil war by mixing those two up. My bad.

Correction #2: Lithuania is actually hanging in there. I apparently was looking at the time instead of the score.

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Bored with basketball (college I love, pros ... not so much), I flipped it over to another station, just in time to see ... SERENA WILLIAMS SMASH SHARAPOVA ON THE COURT AND WIN THE GOLD! Which, I feel, is a victory not just over Sharapova, but over Enrique Iglesias as well. And that is something worth celebrating. (Who can be your hero NOW, Enrique???)

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Springboard Diving for the ladies is up next. These commentators aren't quite as snarky and negative as those trumpeters of doom and gloom over in gymnastics, but they're close. "See that foot furthest from us? It was just a LITTLE bit flexed. That'll cost some deductions." "She needs to get a bit more angular momentum, or spin, on that dive." Um, that chick just folded herself in half, flew threw the air, flipped three times, and went in the water with nary a splash. All in about 2 seconds. Let's cut back on the slo-mo critique.

Then again, this might be my bias for being impressed with anyone who can do diving. In my entire life, I dove off the diving board head-first once. I was twelve. It hurt. I got the wind knocked out of me. I thought I was going to die. After that it was cannon balls only for me.

All of this splashing and wet hair is motivating me. Time to finally get off the couch, brush off the Timbit crumbs, and take my shower. Be back soon!

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And I'm back. Caught the end of trampoline, also known as Cirque de Soleil recruitment camp. (How is trampoline in but squash and cricket are not?) Saw the American flag fly away while Serena Williams was receiving her gold medal. ("Serena put the win in windy." Well played, NBC commentator.)

Then off to the track for some running/sprinting. Oh yeah, the Summer Olympics have track and field sports in it. And yes, I teared up twice during the package about Oscar Pistorius, the South African runner who is a double amputee and is competing in the Games. So happy to see him do well! I know he's a long shot in the final race, but it would be amazing to see him on the medal podium!

Oh, wait. What is that ... do I spy ...

TORCH SITING! TORCH SITING!

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I'm sorry.

Did the commentator just say that US runner Merritt had been on competitive probation because he tested positive for an anabolic steroid that he said he took unwillingly through an over-the-counter male enhancement product?

Commentator's response, "Merritt claimed he was not trying to get a competitive advantage."

My response: "Tell that to the ladies. HEY OH!"

Due to a strained hamstring, the runner "made it around the turn in the race and had to pull out early." Sweet, sweet irony.

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Men's Volleyball.

That's a lot of Russian man thigh.

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Men's Volleyball Commentator: "He doesn't just wear sleeveless shirts around the court. He wears them EVERY DAY."

Awwwww yeaaaaah. Suns out, guns out.

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Set win for Men's Volleyball against the Russians! Looking like a good day for the US of A. Or a strategic choice by the broadcasting company to only focus on the sports in which America is highly favored. I'm totally fine with that.

Side note: when did the rules of volleyball change so that a team doesn't have to be serving to score a point?

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Full disclosure: I have had the Olympics on my television all day. But, for the last hour, I MAY have been distracted by other things. Namely, cleaning up my house. Since yesterday was the last day of a grueling Orientation season at The University, filled with surprisingly calm students and horrifyingly vicious parents, I hosted a party for all of us professional staff who had survived. And, of course, the party had a theme.

And I am nothing if not committed to a theme. I decided to make sure to have culinary representation from various Olympic country competitors spread around the house. Some of them were pretty easy. Italy and France? Wine table and mozzarella-tomato-basil appetizers. Canada? Timbits. Great Britain? Scones. I decorated each area with flags from the countries, to add a bit of festive flair.

That's when things got a little difficult. And possibly a little racist.

Something about hanging a Chinese flag hanging above a plate of egg rolls and fortune cookies felt weird. So I popped those back in the freezer. And I swapped out a Mexican flag for a Texas one to put by the guacamole. (Hey, Texas was its own country for awhile.)

It actually turned out to be a lot of fun! And, when I shut the door after the last guests at 1AM (I forgot how late 23-year-olds like to party) I looked around my house and thought, "eh, I'll get it in the morning."

So the entire time I've been watching the Olympics this morning I have been staring at random paper plates and half-eaten tomato kabobs and overflowing recycling bins. And I couldn't take it anymore. So I cranked the volume on the volleyball game and ran around my house collecting and cleaning.

Trust me, if there was an Olympic event for Sprint Trash Collecting, I would OWN that match.

And it seemed to work out well for the Americans! By the time I was finishing up, they were up two matches to one over Russia. Now that I'm watching again, they seem to be struggling. Maybe they only can block attacks when I'm knee-deep in empty bottles.

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A note about swimming, since Peas brought it up in the comment thread:

I know this is going to be an unpopular position. But I'm over it. Over Phelps. Over Lochte. I'll still tune in for a race by Missy Franklin, but I'm definitely getting fatigue in the aquatic center. But it's been eight days. I think the world has mastered how to swim up and down a pool. At this point, my fingers are pruned from just watching. I also have a conspiracy theory: since there are so many combinations of stroke and length (50M free, 400M relay), I think the reasoning was, hey, that means that everyone will pretty much get a medal. Sort of like six-year-old soccer tournaments, where participation trophies are as large as the First Place one. And then came Phelps. And ran through the trophy tent, grabbing anything gold he can find, saying "ALL MINE! NO, ALL MINE!"

Now, I know, it's about the best person winning. And Phelps is definitely great. But it's just starting to seem like a lack of portion control.

As for Lochte .... ssssshhhhhh. Just, just sssshhhh.

You are a fine athlete, a strong competitor, and an ambassador of neon-colored shoes and patriotic grills. But I don't ever need to hear an interview with you. Ever.

In fact, I just realized something: oftentimes, when sharing a particularly hilarious anecdote about work, I will employ a certain speaking tone and style to represent the student archetype.

That voice... sounds... EXACTLY like Ryan Lochte. Here, all this time, I was doing a spot-on impression, just of the wrong person.

Again, they are fantastic athletes. I'm glad that they are doing so well and representing the US in the pool. But let's towel off and start exploring some other sports. Like, I don't know, one that happens outdoors and thus is actually only played in the summer.

And, now that I have that off my chest, time to check back in to the Men's Volleyball game. How we doing, boys!

Crap. Back to cleaning.

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So I MAY have just fallen asleep on the couch for the last four hours. It was my own fault: I turned on the soccer game. I love going to see soccer games, but for some reason watching it on tv is like drinking a bottle of NyQuil. I'm out like a light.

Time to scavenge for food before primetime Olympic coverage starts!

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But first ... I'm sorry ... but is John McEnroe rocking a thick-chain necklace with a padlock pendant and the ring of Sauron?

Yes. Yes, he is.

Hey, maybe it was forged in the dark Satanic mills of the Industrial Revolution portion of the Opening Ceremonies.

Oh my lord, and he just referenced Skrillex. If I ever go to a Skrillex concert and John-freaking-McEnroe is rocking out beside me, I will rip that padlock necklace off of him and smack him with it.

And, as the cherry on top, here was his response to the question about Ryan Lochte's sneaker designer potential: "The sneakers that I saw, I would recommend sticking to his day job. But that's not to say I haven't made some dumb purchases myself. But I'm a little more, believe it or not, a little conservative. I always thought my idea of cool was wearing a James Dean t-shirt and a jeans and jacket, although I've brushed it up a bit for this show. I don't want to think about all of the dumb purchases I've made in my life."

Look down, John. Look down.

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Things I learned in the first hour of tonight's prime time coverage:

• Jamaicans are really fast.
• Somalians raised in the UK and trained in the US are really fast.
• The South African accent may be even sexier than the British accent.
• Men who rock kilts also rock purses.
• Bob Costas is not okay with people finishing his sentences.
• Bob Costas is not interested in wearing a kilt.
• If the temperature falls under 65 degrees Fahrenheit, it is fashionably acceptable to rock a sports bra OVER a long-sleeved tee.

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Things I learned in the second and third hours of tonight's prime time coverage:

• Finishing in a sprint is all about keeping the eyes wide.
• Kobe Bryant loves cheetah-printed phone covers.
• Kobe Bryant loves chewing gum.
• Kobe Bryant chews with his mouth open.

----------------------------------------11:55 PM ---------------------------------------

Okay, last element of the NBC broadcast is an interview with Michael Phelps. I'm happy for him, but I prefer Michael Phelps in the pool and not in the interview chair. So I'm calling it a night.

Thus concludes a full day of watching athletic perfection on the television as I sat/slept/ate Pizza Combos and brownies on the couch. The irony is not lost on me. Thanks to Peas, Greg, and Megan for hanging with me today! And, once again ...Wow, the Olympics are DELICIOUS!.