GIFT THIS

The other day I heard a report on the radio that, during this holiday season, people were doing something so incredibly disturbing that I started to doubt the whole meaning of Christmas. I mean, I've heard the phrase "War on Christmas" before. I've always it was pretty much banal conjecture. But I never thought things would sink this low. So I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly declare my position:

I am firmly ANTI - Someone - Making -A - Donation - To - A - Charity - In - My - Name - As - Their - Christmas - Gift - To- Me.

Seriously. Christmas charitable gift giving is all the rage right now, apparently. And it is an affront. An affront, I say! I don't need that deviant socially responsible behavior corrupting what everyone knows puts the "wonder" in the most wonderful time of the year: getting gifts.

For me, a big part of a Christmas gift is the fact that someone braved treacherous parking lots, angry masses, and possible Internet credit fraud to find something they thought I would like. It doesn't even really matter if I like it or not. It's the fact that someone took the time to think about me and what I would enjoy. And what is something that anyone who knows me would know I wouldn't enjoy? A big show of how they are a better, more magnanimous, less shallow person than I am. Translation - I don't want to receive the gift of knowing that you donated money last week while I was busy spending hours drawing stick figure caricatures of myself.

And I'm talking about real gifts. Ribbon-tied, shiny-paper-wrapped, here's-a-gift-receipt-in-case-it's-the-wrong-size gifts. Know what you can't return back to the store for credit? Charitable donations.

Let me be clear: I have no issue with people giving to charities. I think that's a wonderful thing. I even partake in it myself on occasion. (An open bottle of wine and a 1-800 number are usually involved.) But to use that beautiful act of humanity and contort it into some way of getting out of buying me a gift?

No.

No ... no ... no.

Give away if you feel so moved. I applaud that. But don't think you can use that to weasel your way out of buying me a set of teacups I'll never use or knitting me a scarf I'll never wear. If you plan on giving me the gift of YOU Donating To A Charity ... well ... you might as well give me the gift of YOU Eating A Bunch Of Fiber. Both make YOU feel good inside, but what am I really getting out of it? Nothing. And I don't want to see a receipt. For either option.

Need more proof? Take a gander at the scenario below:

Think he's getting any anytime soon?



Plus, I am one of those old souls -- okay, old farts -- that still writes thank you notes. I always like to personalize them by explaining how I will be using the gift the person generously gave me. I think it adds a touch of sincere appreciation. For example:



Dear Co-Worker,

Thank you so much for the Harry Potter bookmark! As a lover of that classic English tome, I'm so excited to wedge Mr. Potter into other literary endeavors. That way, when I'm tired of reading about psychosocial development theories or refrigerator repair manuals, I can have dear Harry hold my place until I return. Accio the last page I read!

Cheers!

Suano




Now, what kind of sincere thank you letter can I write for a charitable donation? Something like this...




Dear Co-Worker,

Thank you so much for the birthday gift of donating to the ASPCA instead of giving me a real gift! I'm sure those homeless puppies truly appreciate the extra paper towels your money purchased as they felt those towels wipe away the despair seeping out of their bloodshot eyes. I'm so happy that I wound up having a birthday  so they could reap the benefits of me avoiding death for another year. Fingers crossed they do the same!

Every time I see those heart wrenching ASPCA commercials, I can't help but think of how gracious you were, giving away my present to them. In my honor, of course. And hey! If I ever randomly bump into crooner/animal rights cuddler Sarah Mclachlan, I have a perfect opening line about how I was connected to a donation made to the ASPCA! Of course, I'll have to explain that I didn't actually make the donation. You did that. But you did it as a gift to me, so it only makes sense that I get the social credit. I mean, you already got the tax credit. Plus the added bonus of everyone cooing over your magnanimity at my birthday happy hour last night. I think a couple people even bought you drinks. Didn't they? I'm pretty sure that's what I overheard while I was paying my own tab.

Anyway, thank you again for the thoughtful gift of charity on my birthday. And don't worry. I haven't forgotten about your own upcoming birthday. In fact, I've already enclosed your gift so you can enjoy it early. That's right: a seven-day cruise package! I know, I know. It seems like a lot, but nothing is too much for a friend!

And don't you worry your pale little head. The cruise launch location is way down in Florida, and I haven't forgotten about how nervous you get about flying. So, to spare you that trauma, I took it upon myself to carry the burden and go on the cruise for you. BUH BUH BUH, don't you say another word. It was the least I could do. I've enclosed pictures from your entire cruise. You know, so you can enjoy your gift!

And you'll never guess who I ran into. Rider Strong! Remember him? Shawn, the renegade bad boy best friend on the television show Boy Meets World? Of course you do, you loved him. I remember you collecting every single Big Bopper magazine with his picture on it and decoupaging him into all of your prom pictures. I never found him particularly noteworthy at the time, but you know what? You were right. He is absolutely adorable! We met in line for the rock climbing wall. Needless to say, I fell hard! We've spent practically every minute on the cruise together. Dinner, dancing, scuba diving, sunning. He even wrote me a sonnet! Really, it was amazing.  In fact, we're going to get together next week out in L.A. He keeps on saying "I'm the one," blah, blah, blah. I wasn't sure at first. I like to keep my options open. But he's starting to grow on me! And, to think, we never would have met if I hadn't done this for you. I'm so glad that I got this cruise for you. I guess this is what everyone means when they say treat others the way you want to be treated. Dreams really do come true!

Okay, enough of me rambling. I'm sure you want to start looking through the pictures from your cruise. Enjoy! And thanks again!

Love,

Suano (aka The Future Mrs. Rider Strong!)

(Need I say more, mi amor?)

And if that doesn't convince you, I leave you with this:

On that holy night ...  three kings from afar ... weary from a long sojourn across the desert ... kneel down in front of a humble manger ...  slowly bowing their heads ... they reach into their gilded robes, tattered from the stinging sands and relentless winds ...  and present to the small child, the savior of the world, their gifts... three envelopes with receipts from TJ Maxx in which they had rounded up their purchase to the nearest dollar, donating a total of ninety-seven cents to the local YMCA.

Come on. If Oh Holy Night had gone down like that, how royally cheesed would Jesus have been when he he found out? He still would have lost his cool and thrown everyone out of the temple that one time, but it would have been because he saw all of those merchants with awesome Christmas gifts for sale and snapped. Because what did he get, the Reason for the Season, on the very first Christmas ever? A crumpled up receipt and some little snot banging a drum in the background.

So do like the Wise Men did. Dig into that tithing and shell out some gold coins for a little gold, frankincense and myrrh for those you love. And you'll have helped to put a little Christ back in Christmas.

*********************************************************************

P.S.

Just saw this commercial on television. Looks like Santa read this blog post ...

That's right. Run, fat man. Run.